A Little Cold One

August 1, 2018

Just a little cold one,
Somewhat a shiver down my spine,
The thought that if you were not sick too,
You never would have given me your time.

For if the story was not incomplete,
If the narrative was not in a bind,
Some chapters would have remained unwritten,
And the past would seem even less kind.
Thomas Spychalski 

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A Better Doppelganger

July 25, 2018

Another repeated meme, I’ve come to know,
One that leaves hearts buried, ceasing to grow,
When the one who resides in your soul finds,
A better doppelganger of you, and reminds…

How much you’ll like them you are so damn close,
Except when they sing her eyes will dazzle, no revolts.
They will do the little things you do, say things you say,
Driven home, that sharing his space, you were still turned away.

Now once is a lesson and twice is just overkill defined,
However, bad experiences forever, just a cause to remind,
Your value is negated to negative, despite any ties that bind,
The pain and emptiness are real, the dividing splinter in our minds.

Guess you need a better doppelganger,
Guess the mirror on my side is just broken,
So now hide, ignore, make the world a stranger,
For words and actions always undone, unspoken.
Thomas Spychalski 


It’s Not About You

July 15, 2018

While you entertain that you can derive from these words hidden meanings,
And think you’re on my head, that I’ve been fantasy-land dreaming,
Sometimes these words exist only to just stop me from screaming,
Like I’ve heard before, it’s not about you.

Human egos, muted blows, all lined up in little rows,
Everybody is self-important but that’s how it goes.
It’s not about you,
Sometimes we don’t fit those shoes,
For sanity, better to inflate than to lose.

When you hear me tell of the pain lying under,
Then your head starts to think, ponder, wonder,
Did I let it all out in the open, did I blunder,
Like I have been told before, it’s not about you.

Human egos, muted blows, all lined up in little rows,
Everybody is self-important but that’s how it goes.
It’s not about you,
Sometimes we don’t fit those shoes,
For sanity, better to inflate than to lose.

So it’s not about you…except when it is.
Thomas Spychalski 


The World Is On Fire And I Don’t Care

July 14, 2018

Seeing whatever I can through this cold dead window,
Spin me again Lord, you know you love me on this spindle.
I no longer heal, because I can no longer bear to feel,
The emptiness and exclusion when I never get the wheel.

The World is on fire and I no longer care,
Because when I burn there is no one there,
Let it burn bright, an illusion, kill it on sight,
No more confusion, I was always the one set alight,
And left to burn.
Thomas Spychalski 


Mindless

July 4, 2018

Out here in space,
Cannot even taste,
To be part of this race,
Slapped, bruised face,
From reaching out…

Deep down inside,
Got my own pride,
So I will forever hide,
No one on ‘my’ side,
From my vapid thoughts…

God, if you want this life to continue just make me mindless,
And praise your soiled bones bleach white for it not being timeless,
Just be kind, take this mind, leave me blind, I was just always left behind,
Cannot keep the motor running on fumes, each day reminds me anew.

Lost myself in lying states of mind,
Maybe you get love and respect, for my life not so benign,
So whatever wisdom you have to tell a stubborn grown child,
Save it, your breath as well, nothing can save me from the wilds of my mind.

Unless I can be mindless.
Thomas Spychalski


Turnaround

July 2, 2018

Somewhere deep in this black dance,
There must be some reasonable chance,
To sink anchor, break this old trance,
Sever this ancient bleak internal romance.

Two steps lead to two more and both sore,
Rotting pieces un-cut, how close to the core?
Looping volume on high, lying, personal folklore,
Deciding in shame, to be less, the master’s whore.

A turnaround off this dance floor, escape, I could make,
But so afraid that I might just unceremoniously break,
All things I don’t know, all these things I cannot fake,
I give light when needed but steal every bit I then take.

Legs have worn out from the effort to keep moving,
The explosions of the beats that are never improving,
Something here out in these dark lights I still find soothing,
Here I am again making a silent scene, business is booming.

Sending a request to the outside, the ones I did the abusing,
My heart lies heavy in this black tar dance, it never was amusing,
I should have been dancing with you a better dance, approving,
Rather than set your heart alight then smash it senselessly, accusing.
Thomas Spychalski 


Bad Luck Blues

June 27, 2018

I swear I have the worst luck, and for this post, for a ‘real-life’ section that has been neglected since I created it, we might as well start here.

(And honestly, have no one else to tell these things to or talk to about it, so I’ll post it to the internet in lonely desperation.)

I feel like one of those people that are almost cursed, nothing ever works out to a positive outcome and even if I do try, something always gets in the way to make it a negative experience.

If you like a person, they don’t like you, if you make plans with anybody for anything they fall apart if you try and improve things, another damaging blow comes and knocks you down again.

Last week is a great example. I have health issues with my legs, which I would need a whole separate post to explain, but long story short would be that I pushed myself on broken wheels since my mid-twenties (stolen youth part two really), and after I had two blood clots in 2014 I figured I had enough and would apply for assistance.

So after two years of scary poverty, being poked and prodded and being in a hearing where you’d think I was on murder charges by the way they acted, I got denied every time.

Then at this past Christmas lost the job I had, spent New Year’s Eve talking to a ‘crisis line’ as I was tired of being alone while the whole world partied, then had to dust myself off because while I see freeloaders galore in this world who can ask for free everything but can’t get up the balls to get a damn job, because sadly I need to eat.

Couple weeks later went back to paying into the system that would not help me (but helps the people that are drains on society, the kind of people I see buying junk with EBT cards that then give me hundreds and hundreds a week for the fucking Lottery), by going back to work in the only industry I’d known, retail.

Life chugs on but then last week hurt my back, could not walk, missed days of work and during that time as I had no one to help me at all, actually did not eat for about two days, which was the norm at some point during that wasted two year period trying to get what I paid for from the gov.

So at times, I feel cursed, I feel like the world treats me like garbage it does not want.

Another example came this year in writing. A group of people started a book of protest poetry and was eager to get it done and was working hard at it, especially as I liked the idea of the message it sent out.

Then due to some drama from a scammer, it all fell apart, even though the scammer had a new book out that month, helped along by another leader of the failed project.

Ends up it was some really weird shit, but in the end, as always I was the only one at an actual ‘loss.’

This could be said for many people I have helped…you say I saved you, inspired you, ‘changed your life?’

Well, then how about the payment for services rendered?

I swear I’m gonna start invoicing people if I do something for them, hoping to receive the same level of care and concern I gave freely, at least then I could take them to small claims court and get my heart unchained again.

-TWS18


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