Solitude and Pride

June 23, 2018

I’ve been laying here, back sorta broken, alone but apologies abound pointless and unspoken, for who I can be.

Tide turned so very long ago, in the time before I won my self pitying tug of war, in my mind a film plays on themes of darker depths, a fetishism of pain, film noir.

Now drained of any illusions in one of those moments of perfect clarity, the crime I think of not you hating but you loving me, even now no way back, I’m still the same coward you learned you could not fight, same as I could not embrace how you set me free.

This distance between me and the outside experience, only frosts over a fire I wish I could let burn, but the space saves those I love the most as it stabs me in the heart, a twisted game I play here alone, with rules I never learn.

-Thomas Spychalski

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Secret

June 17, 2018

If I never speak it out loud, from what I have learned,
No wires get worn and frayed, no bridges burned.
Keep it between me and me lately, not sleeping,
The loud one deems me to be a fool for even thinking.

Cannot tell if he slyly lies or just casually manipulates,
Him leaving me here more alone, I cannot contemplate.
So we crown him king of this sad insane little dark world,
Better to stay silent on the floor, fetal position, curled.

Leave that genie trapped in the bottle, he grants no wishes,
Only fantasies that kill me faster, once the informant snitches.
They may say the path is wrong, that I am denying life room to grow,
Yet logic persists as the past predicts, secrets kill when others know.
Thomas Spychalski 


Medicine Man

June 17, 2018

Quick stop, no exit signs…
Heart drops, please wash in grime…
Ride atop, white whales in brine…
Ego and the Id flop, no not mine…

Please, someone, give me the medicine,
Be it healing you, or numbing me cold.
How do you control me without projection,
Haunted by ghosts inside so dead, so old.

Medicine man release me,
Hate is so close to love’s tease.
Medicine man seduce me true,
If I cannot take it in, I need to please.

Dominant trait absorbs all around…
Your problems a bait, the most solid ground…
Silent contracts of fate self-sabotaged abound…
Turn to comfort eating the hate, now I can’t make a sound…

Please, someone, give me the medicine,
Be it healing you, or numbing me cold.
How do you control me without projection,
Haunted by ghosts inside so dead, so old.

Medicine man release me,
Hate is so close to love’s tease.
Medicine man seduce me true,
If I cannot take it in, I need to please.
Thomas Spychalski


Weighing

June 15, 2018

I place another stone on the wrong side of the scale,
I’d love to taste again, but my soul now so very stale.
Threats do not matter, this will one day just bring peace,
Without purpose, belonging and love, rather the drumming cease.

Cannot catch up from so far behind,
One cannot see with eyes so blind.
I wish the world would not remind,
All of the things I have been denied.

So much easier to tip it all over the shattered grace,
Tonight is scary, here in so much empty broken space.
Not a warning nor a cry, my yell has long gone silent,
Maye just letting go of the rope, is the last act of defiance.

Cannot be loved when no one comes to the table,
And with every loss, I feel even more heavily less than able.
When all the days become meaningless and the night is still,
I’d love to say I’ll make it out of here, not sure I have the will.
Thomas Spychalski


Masks

June 15, 2018

We wear the daily masks,
To complete daily tasks.
Once returned and forever alone,
This is why I must be made of stone.
Don’t want to wear the mask anymore,
But don’t know who I am without it, or who I was before…
Thomas Spychalski


Time and Brevity

June 8, 2018

Gonna have to make it all tonight,
From love to hate to your worry,
For you cannot make me right,
Can’t make me clear, not blurry.

All is fair in time and brevity,
I am slowly coming to realize,
Weights on these legs so heavy,
And a fake world, so stylized…
…The better to treat you…
…The better to beat you too…
Thomas Spychalski


Feel

June 6, 2018

What must it feel like I wonder, to have that sense that never leaves you,
Someone always has your back, despite dark skies never less than true?
I feel lost without that sense that I somehow or someone belong,
You can say I am crazy, but without this, you are not so strong.

From birth, I was run from or hated or beaten all day around,
Now decades later, expect to adapt, find common ground?
Talk about nameless bigotry or truths your eyes shy from, displace,
Are the ones, all the ones, shunned, ostracised, outside the Human race.

Give back simple worded lessons, taught to you so long before,
You think after being behind, any kind soul holds open the door?
Source of joking humor only, name me to feel better inside your own tragedy,
Sensed of relief I give, just a resource used, that you avoided such calamity.

Shouted for help out loud and plain, prayed nightly for a voice to help me, a guide,
But you knew nothing, coward, society forbids you to break that programmed parade ground stride.
Yes, admonish me from my crimes, grab your prize for smiling, throw me crumbs you leave behind,
But deny me the simplest of things, to belong, what you had by birth, those ties that bind.

And how does this feel, this place I am trapped in helpless that I hope you never know,
Are they even listening anymore, yes I hurt out of anger, injustice,  but what did you think created this glow?
Wasted, as always, it hurts you being gone, it hurts more not being good enough for you to love,
That is why I pray in tears every night for another day, from those suspiciously bare skies above.

And I feel…everything.
Thomas Spychalski 


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