Top Ten Things on Melania Trump’s Birthday List:

If you want another top ten based on Donny, click here.

10: Any birthday ‘dinner’not on the McDonald’s value menu.

9: Asylum.

8: For any other man to jump out of her birthday cake.

7: Another ‘Russian Probe’ rather than shrunken American sausage.

6: Access to Michelle Obama’s ‘speech vault.’

5: A cure for Stockholm Syndrome.

4: Armor against those monthly ‘stomach rashes’ from sex.

3: Ruby Slippers.

2: Divorce.

And the number one thing Melania wanted for her birthday was:

“A stable penis.”

-Thomas Spychalski