How fitting it’s the coldest day of the year by far,
No warming up this place now, no shooting star.
I was barren and full of hateful jealousy and pride,
This is how we create the realities in which we reside.
Silent sinner, call me home to check I am secure,
I never wanted this, just wanted to become pure.
Still warranted in what I have once repeated/stated,
the loneliness and pain have never once yet abated.
So if I say I don’t know why, don’t believe my lies,
it is quite in the open, from sun to heavy skies,
That I did the deeds myself…
And the demise…of everything I hope for,
Tears in disguise…for everything I dream.
Behind my eyes…is the saving lights I tore,
So I surmise…this will be a silent scream.
Teachers give me lessons, forgiven and ignore,
Cause I always think abandonment is in store.
I am the fool, the straws that took me right back,
War games of self, self-sabo, right off the right track.
I swear I would never want this horrible thing I carry,
I only know thrusts, forget how to defend and parry.
Nothing to do now but wait for the setting of this ‘son.’
You think you’re out but the crimes say it has just begun.
So if I say I don’t know why, don’t believe my lies,
it is quite in the open, from sun to heavy skies,
That I did the deeds myself…
And the demise…of everything I hope for,
Tears in disguise…for everything I dream.
Behind my eyes…is the saving lights I tore,
So I surmise…this will be a silent scream.
One more set of words, then no redemption but retreat,
More emptiness, more broken connections at my feet.
I wish I could heal the boy, crying in my sick head,
One of us wants to live, the other wants us dead.
Tug of war eternal, how I wish you’d leave in peace,
Hidden talents, in a box, folded in the heart’s crease.
Wonderfully terrible is how they may now describe,
The one they lost, I lost, for every pain I transcribed.
So if I say I don’t know why, don’t believe my lies,
it is quite in the open, from sun to heavy skies,
That I did the deeds myself…
And the demise…of everything I hope for,
Tears in disguise…for everything I dream.
Behind my eyes…is the saving lights I tore,
So I surmise…this will be a silent scream.
And all I wanted…
–Thomas Spychalski
TomSpy 