Where My Heart Lies

Tonight was an apex moment, I feel them I do, not like a million other moments, I can feel them true. 

From Here I can feel the great swelling of change for the cause, I want to be that person my angels see without pause.

I stumble but I try and I don’t want to cause the angels more pain, but always but that little hard twist of my rain. 

Where My Heart lies is with you, what can I do? I’m picky with affection and deep love, yes it’s you, both I’m speaking of, cause I don’t play games when it comes to the only truth of love.

Doesn’t mean I wanna chase you, doesn’t mean I don’t see the wreckage after my storm, doesn’t mean I’m a fool but tell me truly angels, can I repair what I’ve done with you, can I reform?

Don’t want to hurt you again, I know what you see, know what you miss of me, the golden fruit that delights you, hiddin in my tree. 

Want to return so bad, fuck pride I need you two to be here, but I also need to see the love already given, ditch that old fear. 

Can you hear me my two angels, screw our human stupidity I love you both and you love me, as said the word don’t come cheap with me, I’ll always be here for my angels no matter what.

Fuck defining definitions for people you hold dear, I cry again love to you tonight on the edge of another dawn, I do want that bond I ignored back, but I’m afraid I’ll make you a pawn.
But from here, I’m willing to try if we do it right, tell me my two angels, can I heal what I’ve done…I miss you.

-Thomas Spychalski 

Somewhere (But Not Here)

Out here in the middle of the confusion,

Growing pains, birth of evolution,

So real or is it just an illusion?

 

Somewhere, someplace there is a zone,

Where the pain subsides, not alone,

All the extras, minors blown,

Someplace brighter, someplace to atone.

Somewhere, but not here.

–Thomas Spychalski

The Truth, The Lies, No Secrets Required

Truth is I could rule this place, truth is I’m the king.

Truth is I’m your lover, with a drug laced sting.

Truth is you love the man, stuck inside me, truth is you can see the greatness, but just beside me.

 

Truth is I am the monster now, the devil shakes cause I’m too cruel.

Truth is I’m the fallen angel, Eating dead things like a ghoul.

Truth is you love me but you hate me, you adore me but negate me.

 

And as the truth of things grows (I put it into motion)

As we think around again (I get quite the notion)

The truth of things burns us down inside.

–Thomas Spychalski 

Escape Fantasy

When I was just, little more than a boy,

When all the world was chaos and down,

I used the greatest gift given,

To kill the sound.

 

Fantasy of real life,

Just to escape the strife,

To never pick up the knife,

But to lay it down.

 

Years go by and now it’s much later,

I’ve become the greatest fault aggregator,

Still sailing but lost the navigator,

and what the fuck do we do with it all now?

 

Skills it gave birth to and still we’re a causality, measure our life, just by calamities and all the while we just want to feel the light…but then we set the stage up tonight inside my head.

 

Cause I can still escape this, run into the bright dark, create worlds and people on a lark, save your soul but we have to live in the real, where kings are madmen and lovely looking bodies do steal, and here I am trying to breathe alone.

The escapist fantasy in me, has made me a drone, dressed me in stone.

But one can always return, heal from the burn, spin that wheel hard, watch it turn…

And be free.

–Thomas Spychalski 

Paradox Lost

You’ve seen me write a lot of words, you heard the notes, the shine, the song like the birds.

You have seen my black heart pull yours from your wreckage, I try and hold you together despite all that spillage.

 

Sadly these things you’ve seen of me, gold dust in the misery,

Don’t give me an insight to the paradox,

Later still, sound of time bomb, ticking clocks,

And all because I do not know how to feel the sun.

A paradox lost, cold in this frost, we can see the Spring ahead but my god what is the cost?

Can I please feel the sun?

 

Standing here look back at the path of destruction, wondering if feasible, is re-construction?

Have the land to build, material abounds, but what is that dark thing in these hallowed grounds?

 

Sadly these things you’ve seen of me, gold dust in the misery,

Don’t give me an insight to the paradox,

Later still, sound of time bomb, ticking clocks,

And all because I do not know how to feel the sun.

A paradox lost, cold in this frost, we can see the Spring ahead but my god what is the cost?

Can I please feel the sun?

You here to be my saviors, why have we become enemies?

– Thomas Spychalski 

 

Breaking Spells

I break the logical positive, being one who has walked a path below.

Outside, people outcast me as a cloud full of rain, but they will need when the storm arrives.

Pain cascades through every bit of my existence, better I know what it feels like when the floods of your essence break thier banks, the only love I can give you understand or accept.

Hatred in mind because I despise my station as the field mouse hates being a blind catch for a hungry predator. 

Breaking the spells of this world you see shining because I’ve only seen the dull ache of time and entropy, and have yet to see anything bloom full.

Remember when the history proves it out, either way you remain happily oblvious and here I am, haunted by repeated experience, chomping at the bit that never gives.

-Thomas Spychalski 

Tonight.

Tonight the air feels stale, as I lay awake in bed.

Feeling quite alone still as one day melds into the next.

Rather tonight lasted forever, as tomorrow will only be another day in a long list of copies.

Tonight that day has yet to come, toiling in places we despise, arriving to a empty room after, but from here it has yet to happen.
Questions abound tonight about what is to be done, but the mind is uneasy and spoils the body as well.

Tonight we are unsure of what is dream and what is reality, tonight we ride on the dull razor of perpetual seduction of what is known.

It is never well to be shrouded in the night, never well to dread the approach of a new day, but this play has taken the stage before, sold out, standing room only.

-Thomas Spychalski 

Forgive, Forget, Forgive.

One day the mirror speaks, asks why we look so cold,

My only response: “Brother, this is getting old.”

Burn many bridges, make many amends,

Save your self-abuser, kill your friends.

 

Forgive, forget, forgive…

heart like a lion, mind like a sieve,

Forget, forgive, forget…

brilliance was forgotten, now just a threat.

I know none can trust me anymore, but they hold on still, want me to wake up, even if we never make up because even the coldest of stars hate to see another fall from the skies.

 

One night the wounds might speak, ask why can’t we heal?

My response: “But it’s you that spins this wheel.”

Act like we don’t see, turn you back on those to be,

Blessing the demons, shunning ‘Mother’ unapologetically.

 

Forgive, forget, forgive…

heart like a lion, mind like a sieve,

Forget, forgive, forget…

brilliance was forgotten, now just a threat.

I know none can trust me anymore, but they hold on still, want me to wake up, even if we never make up because even the coldest of stars hate to see another fall from the skies.

-Thomas Spychalski

Branded For Life

So I told you I needed you, yet everyone turned me aside,

You see it like it’s just life, a joke, but what about my pride?

Wonder how can one be so negative, Because I never have seen any alternative.

Branded for life, a life that no one sees…

Branded for life, I’m still on my knees…

And still, the dreams do call, wish I could seal them all inside this wall,

What’s the use of dreams when they only see the branding on my back?

Tried to pick up, walk tall as I can and shake off the dirt,

Still, nothing but rejection and misery did flirt,

Praying that someone can set me free, I cannot get past the stains in me.

Branded for life, as a person who will never fully be…

Branded for life, when I reached out burned to the Nth degree…

And still, the longing remains, lost in the eternal thought flames,

Why are these wounds that never heal, when I apply pressure they just bleed out.

Don’t want to scare or make you feel concern,

Just want to know how to heal this lingering burn,

Still trying to stand on feet that will not carry, because I feel ancillary.

Branded for life, not sure how much further I can stand…

Branded for life, always remaining second-class, secondhand…
Want the nightmare to end, but when are we awake the way others breathe?

Branded for life, never wanted this knife, did not desire the strife, and at midlife, I find myself curious about the afterlife, where the brand might finally leave me in peace instead of pieces.

–Thomas Spychalski. 

Betrayal of the Rock.

This feeling used to disappear when I indulged you, even external minds have told me they like me so much better when we are one like this.

Now you betray me as the other feeling does not leave as I take you in, you’re the only love that stays by my side and damn you I need your kiss.

Intoxicating Toxic lovers, I know this is not right, mother forgive me but it’s true, this was the only thing ever to stay through the maddening night.

And you leave me now, like a weary partner at the door, baggage in hand, forcing me to live through the unrelenting weather beyond your cold embrace.

Unlike the others that have left me behind can you do me kindness as you exit and tell me now that the water no longer quenches the fire and smoke has been filtered out, with what now do I replace?

• Thomas Spychalski